Play it again
by ZenWriterZero
Summary: Tabris muses on the boy he loves, as he resides in a place beyond time and space, waiting for the time they will meet again.


Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion or anything associated with it.

Refrain

Time as the Lillim know it, is such a limited, stifling thing. In all of it's entirety, time is not a linear thing with a neatly ordered past that leads to the present and a present that leads to the future. It's a great cacophony of many times all happening together. It's a concerto of interweaving and separating notes and movements and refrains. Where one single note can form entire orchestras and potential orchestras each perhaps just a little bit different than the next.

It's very beautiful and yet, quite sad. Because no matter how many different timelines I see, how many different concertos I witness, some things don't change at all.

Shinji Ikari, the boy that I was born to meet. A boy that I love, a boy that I wish, more than anything, for him to be happy.

But sadly, it seems that he is destined to always be in pain. To always be forced to tread a path of great difficulties that no boy should have to bear.

How is a boy who's very heart is like such fragile glass supposed to weather such storms without breaking? He desires so much for someone to care for and yet he's so afraid of it. Its heartbreaking.

But for all my efforts, it seems that even I only cause him pain in the end. That even one who doesn't desire to hurt, who only wants someone to be happy can be the greatest source of pain of all for the Lillim is just…too tragic for words.

How do the Lillim do it?

But I suppose the more important question is how can I do it? I who've attempted to, in this strange…I suppose you would call it a rebuild of past events, to give Shinji the power to wipe away his sins and fix his world, was yet again in vain. Yet again I had to die in order to save him. A sacrifice I am glad to make but truly at this point I must ask, why does it always seem to be my head that is removed first?

I sighed as I continued to watch from a place beyond time and space as the Lillim know it. Wondering where this particular chain of events will lead. And how might I be able to help Shinji find happiness.

"It's not yours to give."

There was no mistaking that quiet voice.

Had I still physical form, I might have smiled.

"Hello again, Lillith or should I call you Rei?"

The being that could only be described as a god, seemed to smile at me.

"Your mistake is in thinking that Shinji's happiness is something that can be given to him, when it is something that only he can seize for himself."

"That may be true. But surely I could aid in in taking his happiness."

That the owner of such a quiet voice could possess so much power was a rather amusing irony to me.

"Maybe so, but in the end it's his decision to make. No one, not even I can make that final step for him."

Anger flared up in me. "And so I must consign myself to the fact that Shinji will always be miserable?! That he can never be happy? No matter how events are retold, how they unfold how they change in great ways or subtle ways, Shinji will never be happy? That's…"

I looked back to a scene of the second child leading a shell shocked Shinji across a desert of red by the hand followed by the facsimile of the first child.

"Too sad."

"And that Tabris, or Kaoru-kun if you prefer, is your second mistake."

I ignored her and continued to watch the three children walk across the desert.

"You think Shinji's heart is made of glass, in many ways it is but there is a strength in Ikari-kun that you've yet to see. A strength that he himself doesn't realize he has. Despite all the pain he's been through, how he always lives in fear of hurting and being hurt, he always chooses to go forward. That strength is what makes him refuse Instrumentality, no matter the portrayal of the story, Shinji Ikari, even when he's lost everything, when he's lost all vestiges of sanity will never choose Instrumentality. He will always choose to truly live even if its painful. Remember that, Kaoru-kun."

I thought on her words for a moment.

"You love him don't you?"

She just smiled and faded away.

The children had a long journey ahead of them, and Shinji-kun had even more pain ahead of him.

Despite that, I smiled oddly encouraged by Lillith's words. Because perhaps while it is not in my power to make him happy, maybe there truly was hope for him. I suppose all I can do is pray for his happiness and wait until we meet again.

"We will meet again Shinji-kun."


End file.
